Why You Still Miss the Person Who Hurt You: The Psychology of Trauma Bonding

By Trinity Barnette

What Is Trauma Bonding?

Trauma bonding is a psychological trap disguised as love. It’s a powerful emotional attachment that forms between a person and someone who repeatedly harms them—usually in the context of a cycle of abuse. You’re not crazy for missing someone who treated you like shit. That push-and-pull dynamic isn’t just emotional confusion—it’s brain chemistry responding to a pattern of manipulation.

It often looks like this: They hurt you… then they comfort you. They ignore you… then they say they “miss the old you.” You go to leave… but then they promise they’ll change. And in those moments, your brain clings to the highs, dismisses the lows, and confuses it all for love. That cycle of pain followed by temporary kindness becomes addicting. That’s trauma bonding.

At its core, this isn’t love—it’s survival mode. Your body stays in a state of fear, craving relief. So when the abuser offers even a small amount of affection, it feels like hope. But it’s just another round of control. Victims often feel confused, loyal, and emotionally dependent—making it even harder to leave.

This kind of bond is common in romantic relationships, but it also shows up in familial, platonic, and even workplace dynamics. And while the abuse may not always be physical, the psychological grip it has on you is just as damaging. Let’s break down the cycle, the psychology, and how to finally free yourself from it.

The Cycle of Abuse: Why You Stay

To understand trauma bonding, you have to understand the cycle that fuels it. Abuse isn’t constant—it’s cyclical. And it’s that exact cycle that creates the emotional confusion and dependency.

It usually follows this pattern:

1. Tension builds. You feel it in your body before it even happens. The mood shifts. You’re walking on eggshells. You know something’s coming.

2. The incident. It could be screaming, gaslighting, silent treatment, threats, cheating, or physical violence. Your nervous system goes into overdrive.

3. Reconciliation. This is the trap. They apologize, cry, buy gifts, or suddenly act like the perfect partner. You’re so relieved the chaos is over that you cling to this moment like it proves they care.

4. Calm. Things feel okay again. They might be affectionate, attentive—even loving. You start to believe the worst is over. You want to believe it.

But it never lasts. The cycle starts all over again.

And every time it does, your brain becomes more conditioned to associate pain with love, and chaos with comfort.

This is where intermittent reinforcement kicks in—where unpredictable moments of kindness make the abuse feel tolerable or even worth enduring. The highs are so high, they make you forget how low the lows really are.

This cycle is why leaving feels impossible. You’re not just dealing with an abusive person—you’re battling a psychological pattern that your brain has been trained to normalize.

This Isn’t Love: The Psychology Behind the Bond

Trauma bonding isn’t love. It feels like love. It convinces you it’s love. But it’s not.

What you’re actually experiencing is a coping mechanism—a psychological response to repeated abuse that confuses survival with affection. Your brain is trying to protect you by forming an attachment to the person hurting you. It’s warped, but it’s real.

This happens through:

• Emotional confusion. You’re angry and hurt, but you also feel guilt, shame, and even affection. These conflicting emotions make it nearly impossible to see the relationship clearly.

• Hypervigilance. You’re constantly on edge, trying to predict their mood, fix things before they explode, or say the right thing to avoid punishment. This constant tension creates dependency.

• Normalization of abuse. What once shocked you now feels expected. You tell yourself “it’s not that bad” or “they’re just hurting too.” You explain it away because you’ve adapted to survive it.

• Love bombing and devaluation. One minute, you’re their everything. The next, you’re worthless. These extreme swings destroy your self-esteem and leave you craving validation—especially from the one person withholding it.

Over time, your sense of reality distorts. You start to feel loyalty to the person causing the pain. You miss them when they’re gone. You defend them. You even blame yourself.

It’s not weakness—it’s trauma. And it runs deep.

How to Break the Bond (Even When You Still Miss Them)

Escaping a trauma bond isn’t just about walking away—it’s about unlearning everything your brain was conditioned to accept.

You might still miss them. That doesn’t mean you should go back. Missing someone who hurt you is a symptom of the bond, not proof of love.

Here’s how to start pulling yourself out:

1. Recognize the Pattern

Call it what it is: abuse. It doesn’t have to be physical to be real. Emotional manipulation, gaslighting, isolation, control—it all counts. Once you recognize the pattern, you can stop justifying their behavior and start seeing it clearly.

2. Stop Romanticizing the Good Moments

The abuser isn’t always cruel. That’s what makes it confusing. But their moments of kindness are part of the manipulation. They’re not signs of change—they’re what keep you hooked. Learn to question those highs instead of craving them.

3. Lean Into Support (Not Shame)

You don’t have to figure this out alone. Whether it’s therapy, a support group, or just someone who gets it, connection is the antidote to abuse. The more you speak your truth out loud, the less power it has over you.

4. Set (and Enforce) Boundaries

Block them. Mute them. Distance yourself emotionally, physically, and digitally. If someone is capable of creating a trauma bond with you, they do not deserve access to you.

5. Rebuild Your Identity

Abuse strips you of your sense of self. It makes you feel small, confused, and dependent. Healing means rediscovering who you are without them. What do you like? Who are you when you’re not managing someone else’s emotions?

6. Grieve Without Going Back

You’re allowed to cry. You’re allowed to miss them. Just don’t let those feelings rewrite the past. Grief is part of healing, not a sign you made the wrong choice.

If you’re stuck in the aftershock of a toxic relationship, I want you to know this: you’re not crazy, weak, or broken. You were conditioned. Your nervous system was trained to crave the same person who hurt you. That’s not love. That’s trauma bonding.

It’s okay to miss them. It’s okay to feel confused. What matters most is that you choose yourself now—again and again—even when it hurts. Healing is messy, but you’re not alone. You deserve peace, safety, and a love that doesn’t require you to abandon yourself.

You don’t owe loyalty to someone who shattered you.

You owe it to the version of you who kept surviving.