“But They’re Not That Bad”: How Minimization Keeps You in Toxic Situations
By Trinity Barnette
We’ve all done it.
“They didn’t mean it like that.”
“I’m overreacting.”
“They’re not that bad…”
Minimization is when you downplay abuse, mistreatment, or disrespect—whether it’s from a partner, a parent, a friend, or even your own damn self. It’s a psychological defense mechanism that helps us cope with the pain of being hurt… by pretending it wasn’t really that painful. But this subtle form of self-gaslighting can keep you locked in toxic relationships and patterns that slowly drain your sense of self.
Let’s talk about how minimization works, why we use it, and how to recognize when it’s keeping you stuck.
Minimization is a cognitive distortion—meaning it’s a way your brain twists reality to protect you from emotional discomfort. When you minimize, you make something seem smaller or less serious than it really is. You might laugh off an insult, excuse controlling behavior, or tell yourself “other people have it worse.”
It’s often unintentional. But that doesn’t make it harmless.
Examples of Minimization:
“It only happened once.”
“They said sorry, so I should just let it go.”
“At least they didn’t hit me.”
“I’ve been through worse.”
“They were just drunk.”
See the pattern? It’s a way of justifying mistreatment instead of facing it.
Why We Do It:
Minimization usually comes from survival instincts. If acknowledging the full truth of how bad something is would hurt too much or force you to take action you’re not ready for (like leaving someone), your brain takes a shortcut:
“Let’s just pretend it’s not that bad.”
We also minimize because:
We want to believe the person is good.
We’re afraid of conflict or abandonment.
We grew up in environments where abuse was normalized.
We’ve internalized guilt or shame and blame ourselves instead.
How Minimization Keeps You Stuck:
When you constantly downplay harm, you start to doubt your own reality. You stay in relationships longer than you should. You forgive things you shouldn’t have to forgive. You become numb to disrespect—and slowly start believing you deserve it.
Minimization isn’t just lying to yourself. It’s protecting someone else’s image at the cost of your own peace.
How to Break Free:
Name what happened. Say it out loud. Write it down. Call it what it is.
Stop comparing your pain. Just because someone else “had it worse” doesn’t mean you didn’t suffer.
Validate your emotions. Your feelings are real. And they’re trying to tell you something.
Listen to your body. Tight chest? Knotted stomach? Shaky hands? That’s your nervous system telling you the truth, even if your mind is trying to suppress it.
Talk to someone. A therapist, friend, or journal can help you unpack what you’re minimizing and why.
Closing Thoughts:
Minimization feels safe… until it isn’t.
It’s a slow, quiet trap disguised as “being chill” or “not making it a big deal.” But the truth is: if something made you feel small, unsafe, or less than, it is a big deal. And you deserve to honor that.
Stop making yourself shrink to make other people feel bigger.
Stop minimizing what hurt you.
It mattered. You matter. Period.
