When Your Beliefs and Behavior Don’t Match: The Psychology of Cognitive Dissonance

By Trinity Barnette

What Is Cognitive Dissonance?

Ever felt like you were living a lie—even if no one else noticed? That quiet discomfort creeping in when your actions don’t match your values? That’s called cognitive dissonance.

First introduced by psychologist Leon Festinger in 1957, cognitive dissonance is the mental tension that shows up when our beliefs, values, or self-image conflict with what we’re actually doing. It’s psychological, but it feels emotional—like a tug-of-war in your brain between who you are and what you’re doing.

Festinger studied a group of people who believed the world would end on a specific date. When it didn’t, they didn’t drop the belief—they doubled down. They found reasons to still believe, just to avoid the unbearable truth. That’s how powerful dissonance can be. It makes us twist reality to protect our sense of self.

When our thoughts (called cognitions) clash, it creates internal discomfort. We’re wired to want consistency, so when our reality doesn’t align with what we believe, we subconsciously try to fix it. That might look like denying facts, making excuses, or downplaying consequences—anything to avoid facing the contradiction.

Dissonance can show up in everyday choices, like justifying a relationship you know isn’t healthy, or convincing yourself a purchase was “necessary” even though it wasn’t. It’s not always obvious. But it’s always revealing.

Signs You’re in Cognitive Dissonance

Cognitive dissonance isn’t always loud. Sometimes it whispers. Sometimes it hides behind your “logic” or your justifications. But if you pay attention, you’ll notice the cracks.

Here are some common signs you’re in a state of dissonance:

1. You keep justifying something you know isn’t right.

You say it’s “not that bad” or “not that deep,” but deep down, you know the situation doesn’t sit right with you. If you’re constantly having to explain your choices to yourself or others, that’s a red flag.

2. You feel uncomfortable when someone calls something out—because it hits.

When someone says something that makes you feel defensive, ask yourself why. Are they wrong, or did they just touch a nerve you’ve been avoiding?

3. You avoid certain thoughts or conversations.

You might catch yourself changing the subject or distracting yourself any time a particular topic comes up. That’s your brain trying to dodge the dissonance.

4. You change your beliefs to match your actions, not the other way around.

Instead of admitting you messed up, you shift your values to align with your behavior. “It’s not really cheating if…” “It’s just how things are.” That’s dissonance dressing itself up as acceptance.

5. You feel guilty, drained, or fake.

Even if no one knows what you’re doing, you don’t feel like yourself. Your energy feels off. That’s the toll of living in conflict with your truth.

Why We Do It (And How It Hurts Us)

Cognitive dissonance isn’t just random—it’s survival. Your brain hates conflict. Especially when that conflict makes you feel like a hypocrite. So instead of sitting in the discomfort, it tries to fix the clash—even if that “fix” means lying to yourself.

Here’s why we do it:

1. To protect our self-image.

Most of us want to see ourselves as good, smart, and in control. When our actions contradict that image, the dissonance kicks in. So we either change the action… or the story we tell ourselves about it.

2. To avoid guilt or shame.

Shame is heavy. So we offload it by rationalizing, blaming others, or pretending we don’t care. It feels easier in the moment, but the cost adds up.

3. To reduce emotional discomfort.

Dissonance creates tension—and tension demands relief. Some people drink, cheat, overwork, lash out, or numb out. Not because they’re evil. Because they’re out of alignment and don’t know what to do about it.

4. To stay consistent with past decisions.

Sometimes, you’ve invested so much time, energy, or identity into a decision that changing course feels like failure. So you double down—even when it’s not working anymore. That’s dissonance disguised as “loyalty.”

But here’s the problem:

The longer you ignore cognitive dissonance, the more disconnected you become from yourself. You lose your clarity. You shrink your intuition. And over time, that quiet discomfort becomes your new normal.

Real-Life Examples of Cognitive Dissonance

Cognitive dissonance isn’t just a theory. It’s in your daily decisions, your relationships, your guilty pleasures, and your late-night rationalizations. Here’s what it looks like in real life:

1. The smoker who knows it’s unhealthy.

They believe smoking is dangerous, but they keep lighting up. To ease the discomfort, they might say, “It helps me manage stress” or “I don’t smoke that much.” That’s dissonance making itself comfortable.

2. The person who stays in a toxic relationship.

They believe they deserve love and respect—but they’re being mistreated. Instead of leaving, they tell themselves, “It’s not that bad” or “They’re just going through something.” That mental tug-of-war? Dissonance.

3. The overachiever who hates their job.

They crave purpose and happiness—but stay in a job that drains them. Rather than admit they’re unfulfilled, they say, “At least I’m successful” or “I should be grateful.” Dissonance dressed as discipline.

4. The friend who gossips but claims to “hate drama.”

They want to see themselves as loyal and real—but their behavior contradicts that. So they justify it: “I’m just being honest” or “I’m venting, not gossiping.” Classic case of actions and self-image clashing.

5. The activist who buys fast fashion.

They care about ethical consumption—but still shop from unethical brands. To cope with the contradiction, they say, “It was on sale” or “I don’t do it often.” That internal conflict is textbook dissonance.

We all do it. The key isn’t to avoid dissonance—it’s to notice it, question it, and realign.

Final Thoughts

Cognitive dissonance is one of those quiet forces that shapes how we justify, deny, and explain things to ourselves. It’s not always dramatic—it’s often subtle. But it can shape the way we see ourselves and the choices we make without us even realizing it.

The truth is, we all want to feel consistent. We want to believe we’re good people with good intentions, and when our actions don’t match that image, something’s gotta give. Some people change their behavior. Others change the narrative.

The goal isn’t perfection. It’s self-awareness. When you catch yourself defending something that doesn’t feel right—or bending your beliefs to avoid discomfort—pause and ask:

“What am I avoiding right now?”

That question alone can shift everything.

The more honest you are with yourself, the freer you become.