Not Quite Straight, Not Quite Bi: My Experience With Fluidity, Friendship, and Female Intimacy
By Trinity Barnette
A Shoutout to Autumn (Even If She Was Kind of a Lot)
Like most things in life, my curiosity didn’t start in a classroom or a conversation—it started with a person. Her name was Autumn. She was older than me and taught me things I didn’t fully understand at the time. It wasn’t coercive, but it also wasn’t something I was mentally ready for. Still, that relationship became a weird kind of gateway—an introduction to attraction, touch, and vulnerability that would later shape how I understood myself.
Even now, when I think back to that time, I realize how young I was and how much that early experience complicated things. Was it real? Was it safe? Was it love? Probably not. But it was formative. It planted seeds—about women, about closeness, and about how sometimes, things don’t need a label to be impactful.
What I Learned From Loving Women
As I got older, I found myself in multiple relationships with women—three stand out in particular. I won’t name them (they know who they are), but those relationships were real, emotional, and sometimes even beautiful. I genuinely loved them. Not just as friends. As partners. As people who made me feel understood in a way that men sometimes didn’t.
With women, it felt easy. Intimate. Tender. And yet—I didn’t feel like “bisexual” was the right word for me. Maybe it was because I still felt a stronger romantic pull toward men. Maybe it was because the attraction felt more situational than defining. Or maybe it’s just that I didn’t want to label something that felt natural.
I Don’t Identify as Bi—But I Don’t Regret a Thing
Today, I call myself straight. I’m in a heterosexual relationship, and I don’t see myself dating women again. But that doesn’t mean those past experiences weren’t real. Or valid. Or meaningful. I kissed girls. I loved girls. I had sex with girls. And none of that was “a phase.” It was just…part of my journey.
To Anyone Who’s Still Figuring It Out
Let me say this loud and clear: you don’t have to know right away. You don’t need a label. You don’t owe anyone certainty about who you love or how you love them.
Explore. Question. Feel things. Mess up. Start over. You’re not broken or weird or confused just because your attraction doesn’t fit in a perfect little box.
Some people are sure from the start. Some people take years. Some people, like me, find that love isn’t always about orientation—it’s about connection, safety, and timing.
Closing Thoughts:
I’m grateful for every version of myself I’ve met along the way. The girl who loved girls. The teen who was confused. The woman who knows what she wants now. They all exist within me, and they all deserve space. And if you’re reading this while you’re still figuring out your own truth, just know: you’re allowed to take your time.
