I’m a Mystery Even to Myself Sometimes

By Trinity Barnette

Some days I wake up and I’m a storm — sharp-tongued, focused, electric. I’m ambitious as hell, cutthroat with my goals, too intense for most people.

Other days, I’m soft. Quiet. Almost invisible. I retreat into myself, not because I’m sad, but because everything feels too loud. The light, the noise, the questions, the expectations — it all presses in. And I don’t have the energy to press back.

I don’t always know which version of me is going to show up.

I wish I did.

The Mirror Shifts Too Often

It’s weird being known online. People assume they understand you because they’ve seen curated pieces. They know your voice, your face, your body, your fire. But what they don’t see is how quickly that fire flickers — or how many times I’ve had to rebuild myself from ashes I never asked to be burned in.

Sometimes I feel like I’m chasing my own shadow.

I shift before I can settle.

One week I love being bold and visible.

The next, I want to delete everything and vanish.

Both are true. Both are real. And both feel like me.

Which is the confusing part.

I’ve Outgrown Old Versions of Myself — But I Haven’t Fully Grown Into the New Ones Yet

I try to hold space for every past version of me — the people-pleaser, the loud one, the girl who let too much slide, the one who bit back too hard. I don’t hate her. I just don’t always know where she ends and I begin.

I’m in this messy middle space where I’m healing, evolving, unlearning, re-deciding — but there’s no map for it. Just moods. Waves. Impulses. Retreats.

It’s hard to define yourself when you feel like you’re constantly shape-shifting.

The World Wants Me to Be Consistent. But I Was Built to Transform.

People love boxes. They want to know what you are. They want to trust that you’re the same today as you were yesterday. Especially as a woman. Especially if you’re visible, sexual, smart, opinionated — God forbid you be all of those things at once.

But I am not linear. I am not calm.

I am not someone you can summarize in a sentence.

And the truth is, I don’t always know who I am in this moment.

But I’m learning to be okay with that.

Final Thought

I’m a mystery even to myself sometimes.

But maybe that’s not a flaw.

Maybe that’s just what it looks like when you’re becoming someone real.